The rain wouldnt stop running from my eyes.

I never imagined how easily the mind can change -- from one extreme to the other, and again, I feel I am the one to blame.

I took two steps in the opposite direction and started to run. I was running and my heart was hurting...but i just kept on. It was hurting from being broken by my own actions. I did it to myself -- yes, that's it. This one is completely on me. After running along my boundaries, I tripped along memories of the past. They scrambled around my face that lie flat on the ground. They screamed at me as the tears fluttered from my eyes and up into the sky. And i knew, this wasnt how things were supposed to be. I felt it to be impossible for my heart to be beating after being broken into all those small pieces. They seemed to jangle in my chest with every step, every breath. Never give up. Never Give Up.

Most of the time, the worst decisions are the ones you stumble upon. The ones you never planned on taking in, the loners. And sometimes, they get in no matter what step in every direction your feet try to manuever. && it's those decisions that never make sense. You wonder why you let your mouth speak those words or let your head make the descion without your heart. They are inevitable. But stop them!

Don't take too much time to think -- just enough to make things right. The more time taken, it seems the farther you fall off the earth. The gravity lets go and you dont know what to do. Just lost.



I'm okay now. Ive made my way back home. Because the moment the straying took control, I didnt want to be there anymore. Not now, not ever.

It has been oh too long...

With moving and starting college, things around here have been pretty crazy. I think crazy might be an understatement, but it's late and well...that explains a lot =]

I have been without Aaron for over 2 months now, and i am more than a little bit antsy waiting for him. November is the magic month, it's the month he makes his way to me -- i'm just hoping that October flies by! Everyone asks me how we do it...how we are able to keep our relationship strong when we are 2500 miles away from eachother. And the truth is...i do not know. I think it is because we have true love that many people my age do not understand [we are engaged, remember?]. And breaking up because of distance would be silly. I will not lie, it is HARD -- and some days i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs in frustration. But i dont just want to throw away everything we have because i cant go without him for a few months. It helps that i trust him with all of my heart <33

It makes me wonder, if you truly love someone, why would distance change the feeling? True love cannot be tampered with; it is in a tamper-proof package, duh! Maybe this was a test we needed to pass. I truly feel that this will be the hardest thing we go through as a couple. [hopefully]

And if it is isnt...i know because of what we have been through already, we can get through anything life throws our way.

*-trust.love.honesty.faith.laughter.security-*

Deserts never feel the rain

You know those moments when you say something and as soon as you feel it coming out of your mouth, you pause...because you know you just changed the future -- you know you will be proven wrong in your assumptions?

I had one of those today.

We were driving in the car talking about the weather in our new home, Idaho. I brought up the fact that it hasnt rained or even given a hint that it might rain, since we got here. It has not thundered the least little bit and gray clouds were nowhere to be seen. This, of course, saddens me. I love the rain and the feeling you can taste when it's in your presence. It is my therepy, my inner healing. I get lost in the sound of the shallow drops exploding on the window. There is nothing more naturally beautiful than a rainy day, where i'm all cuddled up in a fleece blanket, crossed-legged on the couch -- just watching -- just listening -- just feeling.

Like all the nights passed, I was sitting at my computer, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash. At first I thought..eehh...maybe I was just seeing things. Then the tingle of thunder echoed in the distance. Yes. Thunder. Lightning. The hint of rain I had been yearning for since the day we got here. So here I am, with the curtains as wide as they will go, waiting to hear the first droplet of rain hit the window.



Perhaps it will never come...

But I got the hint -- that you can never be sure in life. When you least expect it, the unexpected happens. And like the lightning dazzling in the corner of my eye, beauty can unexpectedly pounce upon you. Most likely...you will never see it coming.

There is magic and beauty in things unexpected...always.

reach your hand, i'll follow.

I found myself today -- I was running across the mountains of Wyoming. The sun was the brightest i have ever seen. Running blind, i was, but it did not matter to the little girl who is me. Barefoot amongst nature's entrancing whispers, i could stop for nothing. i was wound up in myself, lost in my own thoughts that screamed for nobody to hear. There is nobody but me atop the mountains of wyoming. For there is no entrance nor an exit. The wind must trample upon you, lifting you to weighlessness. Only then, can you taste the mountains -- only then can you get lost. And lost i was. I saw myself flying over the greenest of all the green you could ever imagine. I reached my hand out...to see if we would collide. If my two selves would become one. Half of me is just not enough. At least not for today.

I love to imagine a life unstructured--uncomplicated. Where i could live among the untouched land and spend every moment being in love & laughing & dancing.

Oh, how i love to love out loud. To kiss with my heart; because a kiss is more than the touching of lips, but more of an explosion deep within, that makes us fall to the ground. And laughter, it escapes with no effort as our teeth and tongues hold no boundary to its presence. So we dance across the mountains as the stars begin to twinkle in his eyes -- or is it just love that shines so brightly? At this point, i cant tell. We are too far lost in eachothers' grace, hand in hand, moving the mountains as if gravity holds no force over us. And that's just it. Nothing holds force over us -- over our love, except for our own hearts. In this unstructured world...there is no say from others.

He is King. I am Queen. & together, the mountains are ours.

Miss Emerald Eyes

I am a pretty simple girl -- young adult -- woman? Some days and some moods, i'm not quite sure what label should be branded upon my name.

I want simple things, i really do. Laughter, love, family and friends is all anyone really needs. [it is all i need and desire.] As each day waves goodbye to my innocent self, i gain more insight into what life has to offer me. Or what i myself can bring to this life offered by the heavens.

I love to find beauty in nothing. I love to hear music in noise. I love to be simple in a world dying to be anything but something so unspecified. I am not a girl who stands out with an undying talent -- or who stops people in their tracks from breathtaking beauty. I am not the words on everyones tongues or someones breath of fresh air. My morals shape me -- my dreams inspire me to be better -- and my happiness is derived through love and the simplicity of life. I want so much and so little at the same exact time. Because to me, the things that mean everything are seen as nothing to all the people that pass me on the street. I am love. I am laughter. I am everything that everyone never notices.

Here I stand, no more than the little girl I used to be. I have a disney princess coloring book and crayons that lie on the table at my side, as i type away. Driving in the car, we pass a playground -- and i want so much to yell [STOP], because all i want to do is stop everything around me and play. i still pull things off the shelf walking down the toy aisle. i laugh at my own jokes and dance around my room to my own singing. See....i'm simple -- life just tastes better that way.

I'm more than what you see -- can you even see me, or do i remain invisible? i'm shy and timid -- just one of the many things i have not let go of from my childhood. sometimes i keep secrets with myself, because there is no one around to listen [at least not the kind of people that listen with their hearts.] at times though, i run from myself -- from the world. Simply because i can. i go to a place of beauty, a place invisible to everyone but me. i find comfort in the worlds' nothingness -- because it is something of my own, as if i dreamt it up and it melted from my brain onto the canvas only my eyes can see. Simple...

I will find beauty in what the world has casted as untouchable, because i put in use the ability everyone has, but chooses not to dust off. You see the stars -- i see the milky blackness that caresses them ever so softly. I see everything; i see the nothing in the unseen, the untouched. You dont see me...? Close your eyes -- imagine -- let the sun rise in your mind; im there.

I'm simple like the wind that blows the flowers from your hands -- like the pretty bow that gets tossed to the floor -- like the calm before the storm.

simplicity is rare in this glamour infused world -- but does that truly make it more desirable?

Dont cry my love -- it's only distance.

"I dont want us to be crying the last time we see eachother."

Those were my exact words.

We walked out to the car where my parents were all loaded up and ready to go. I set my couple bags on the ground next to the back tire and threw my arms around my fiance -- my love -- my everything. I kept thinking about the fact that it was our last hug, our last kiss, our last everything for four months [or more]. Without warning...the tears started to stream down my cheeks. They were uncontrolable. I did not want to cry. I told myself I wouldnt. But again...I was the weak one. Somehow...that's what i've always been. And for me-- he was strong.

It just goes to prove that no matter how you try -- you cannot always control your emotions. There are times where you can hold it in, but deep inside the real emotion is always there. But at other times, the feeling can consume you until you know nothing more than to feel. Sometimes, you just have to cry.

And sometimes you have to laugh -- And sometimes you have to yell.

Life is just funny like that...

Lead me not into temptation...

Life is funny.

It hardly ever works out like you plan in your head, but sometimes that is for the best. I have recently been thinking about so many things. I feel like my brain is forever constructing new thought processes.

It is intriguing to me how one person can change your whole outlook on things. How one conversation can steer you in a completely opposite direction. And how temptation is lurking behind every corner. But...I see now that each person comes into your life for a reason. To test you...to help you...love you...to bring joy to your life. You just have to believe that each person is there for one reason. It is easy to be confused and tempted into doing something that will only bring regret later. But in these times of confusion, it is important to think of what that particular moment is meant to uncover. Is it meant as a test or is its purpose to simply bring joy. Sometimes the mind is clouded by outside influences -- but it is crucial to take a step back and analyze the outcome of a decision. Dont always act on a spur of the moment thought or feeling, because it may not be what you want the next day. One person may make an impact on your life, but how you place them in your life is of main priority. Friend, lover, enemy -- each status has its own power over your life. The only thing that matters, is placing them in the right spot. Because with one wrong piece placed on the table, the puzzle may never be completed. Life is a puzzle -- the pieces are all around us, simply waiting to be linked together.

I walk the line.

My last day of work is friday && It seems so surreal that it is all happening now. I'm at that stage where you know change is coming and all you want to do is run the other way. I have friends here -- my fiance is here -- everything i know is here! Idaho might as well be a million miles away. I wanted change so much; i've become accustomed to experiencing new environments every few years while growing up. I crave new places like i crave chocolate, A LOT! But as I am starting to realize, it is easier said than done, to walk away from everything you know. I want time to stop so i can soak up as much of this place as i can before i wave goodbye. I keep thinking of how long i will have to wait to see my fiance. I have a movie that plays in my head everytime i think about the day i will leave -- we are waving to eachother as my car drives off, just like in the movies. It is sad and I dont want to do it! Why cant shrink rays exist?!? Because then I could just zap Aaron and keep him in my pocket =] Oh, if only life were that easy -- make everything right with one push of a button.

Enemy in Disguise

Distance is a mere enemy to me. In only 11 days I will be 2500 miles away from my best friend-- my fiance -- my life. I try not to think about how hard it will be and just how slow time can truly take to be released. To some 4 months may not seem to be a long time, but when you must spend time away from the one thing that keeps life worth meaning something, one day -- one week -- one moment is too long. I love change, but I never thought that one change could alter EVERYTHING. I dont want to be without him and I cannot imagine how hard each day will be. Idaho just will not have the same charm as if he were experiencing it with me...

Too young to know....?

It becomes more difficult to be young and in love -- i know what i want, yet it seems that behind every corner there is criticism waiting to attack.

it's funny...Aaron and i knew that we loved eachother after only a few days. It sounds young, naieve --what have you -- but we just knew. && now...after being together over a year [i'm ready to take things a little farther --engagement sounds beautiful doesnt it?] He is the one...i know it. Ever since i was a little girl, i dreamed of a guy like him && now that i have him all i want is to take the next step in being his forever. I dont want to be married tommorow -- no -- i want to be engaged. That's right...ENGAGED! It sounds young...stupid...immature? But i have it all planned in my head. A long engagement...give me time to get through college -- save money -- plan. But every time the thought dances in my head, i am brought back to that state of mind -- being the little girl who wanted nothing more than to please her parents, be the perfect little angel they wanted. it feels that just because i want to be engaged -- wait a while to actually get married so that we could be financially stable-- i am bad and a disappointment.

why must we conform to society. our love is real...we've been through so much in the time we've spent in eachothers grace, and nothing was too hard to handle.

i know that with him, i will always be okay. He is more than just my boyfriend, but my best friend and hero. Why is that not enough...?

See and be free...

Open your heart, little one
your life has merely begun
it's all too soon to be so gone
all locked up and it's only dawn

Forever, plus it all and more
life is waiting behind every door
the clock has struck ground floor
it's no time to fear the shore

sit up on your feet
this is not the day for defeat
too much to ignore, and oh too sweet
the moment has come for you to be

open your heart, let it free
no longer must you hide from thee
for your life is in jubilee

-Kimberly Michelle

You're Beautiful...

...my curves...

I look in the mirror...only to pull at my clothes, my hair -- my flaws? Or are my imperfections what make me beautiful? Slowly...i'm starting to love myself for who I am -- even though it is imperfect. My body is not toned like models in the magazines...but maybe i like that. Who says curves cant be beautiful? I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who thinks i'm more than beautiful [this is of which he tells me daily]. I just wish that society would accept all shapes and sizes -- not just have ONE that is considered the ideal. And i wish that girls would accept themselves -- love their curves -- or for those who have no curves, love themselves for that too. It really got me to thinking a couple days ago when people at work were talking about my shape and I was like "...yea, my fat..." and they were like "NO...YOUR curves. You are like the brunette marilyn monroe." I couldnt help but feel good about myself. I wish every girl could just stop obesessing over their looks -- simply accept them and love them <333 <333 <333

-Life is Easy-

Life is made so much more complicated than it really is. People worry so much about tommorow...next week...next year. They never truly live their lives. That is no way to spend one's time here on earth. Yes, It is important to have a GOAL one wants to accomplish...but to plan out each breath of the way is simply a waste of precious time. Living is about taking each day at a time and dealing with those unexpected moments --- that is what makes life so beautiful. No two lives are the same and that fact should be treasured. Since graduation...i've learned so much about life and myself. Granted it has only been a month-- i feel like i've finally come to a major realization. For once in my life...i dont want to run, i want to walk down life's breathtaking road and see all that it has to offer. I dont want to regret anything--wishing my time away would only be a regret later down the road. LIfe is too short to stay mad -- waste time in insecurity -- or choose a frown over a smile. Happiness is all around us -- one can choose their own feelings. Why not choose happiness? There's never a day or moment we can get back once it is spent. How do you want to remember the moments as they play out in your head years down the road? I want to remember more happiness and love than anything else -- so that it seems like pain and sadness barely existed within the years.

"A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night." - Marilyn Monroe

Live for the things that can provide happiness simply through existence --live for love, because in the end, it is the only thing that will truly stay alive or even matter.

"She is so lucky..."

She has it all it seems. A family and boyfriend that love her. & friends that are there in a heartbeat. But never does she realize just how wondeful her life really is...

Yep, that girl is me...

For some reason, for such a long time i've forgotten just how wonderful my life is. I have many blessings i simply pass by each day, forgetting how grateful i am for them.

I'm more than lucky and from now on I vow to not forget how blessed i am.

Eyeopening...for some reason i had a [ah-ha] moment...like the lightbulb just flashed on. It's been off for quite some time now and i'm happy its back on. =]

Love your Life. Live the Life you Love.

Mi Amour

So he is absolutely wonderful && quite a romantic. Beach - candles - blanket - sunset. Romance. <33

the end.

Contemplation

Today was anything but typical -- it was one of those eyeopening ones that only come around once every few months. You know the kind. They make you think about the past, future, inner emotions and everything else in between. Questions fluttered through my head -- "is this what i ReaLLy want?" "am i TruLy in loVe?" There were tears, smiles, laughing, sighs of relief and just about every other emotion love could possibly produce.

All day was encompassed by bitter confusion. Is HE honestly the guy i've always hoped and dreamed for? Am i holding on for the wrong reasons--to simply not hurt him?

Conclusion: After thinking things through and crying together, imagining how life would be without him was more than a little bit painful. I love him and even though I am young and at times wonder what else is out there, I KNOW that no other guy is going to care about me, love me and put up with me like he does. He's the real deal -- even if it's not always smooth sailing.